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There’s nothing more frustrating than constantly finding yourself in an argument with your significant other (SO).
Most of us avoid conflict and would never dream of getting into big fights with friends or coworkers.
Constantly fighting with your SO is going to leave you depleted, and the effects go far beyond emotional.
Being mad at your SO causes stress in your body, and that stress affects just about every system.
“Your heart beats faster and blood pressure increases, breathing quickens and your chest can become tight.
Here are just a few of the ways that fighting over holidays and family is affecting your body.
This feeling of having to protect yourself will then set off a whole cascade of emotions.
When this system turns on, our blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing frequency increase.”
So while your argument escalates, your body’s response also gets bigger.
This is not the ideal scenario for being an empathetic partner and listener.
“When this system is active, we psychologically feel like we are under attack.
We might get defensive and more argumentative,” explained Tolson.
You know you’re not seeing the situation clearly, but you don’t care in the moment.
You’ll feel exhausted
Any disagreement, big or small, can start to weigh on you.
We hold that stress in our bodies, so it’s no wonder arguing wears us out.
“The process of arguing is stressful.
It can make you physically tired, cause headaches, gastrointestinal problems, muscle aches, and more.”
Expect to feel tired, rest if needed.
Don’t engage in work that is demanding of you physically or intellectually."
“The psychological effects [of fighting] are many,” explained Dr. Kogan.
Maybe it’s your fault that you’re always fighting.
Maybe it’s because you’re not a good enough partner.
These toxic thoughts can affect the way we feel about ourselves.
“The psychological effects depend entirely on the outcome.
Fighting can be traumatic when it creates isolation and soul murder,” psychoanalystDr.
Don’t storm off in a tantrum, though.
Instead, agree to revisit this topic once you’ve both had a chance to process it.
“Many fights would be helped by revisiting the argument when calmer heads prevail,” said Derichs.
“Couples can talk about: 1.
What can we do differently topreventthe argument from happening in the first place?
Can we do an ‘after the fight’ autopsyto sort through what went so wrong?”
Even just walking away for a few minutes could make a big difference.
“Both partners can walk away for a brief five-minute timeout and do some self-soothing.
These activities include deep breathing, relaxation, listening to calming music, etc.”
How to fight fair
Disagreeing with your SO is natural and even healthy.
It’s the unhealthy ways we fight that start to affect our bodies and our health.
The best way to protect yourself and your relationship is to learn how to fight the right way.
“Start with the specifics of what the problem is.
Be sure you and your partner are on the same page.”
If you’re still feeling too heated, just take a break.
“After the argument, check in to see if your partner is okay,” recommended MacLeod.
“There are always areas of a relationship that will be considered, ‘red zones.’
This will help you bounce back after the fight.
For some, the only way to recover from an argument is therapy.”
Take care of yourself
After an argument, you may be feeling pretty fragile or upset.
verify you’re taking good care of yourself.
Once you’re feeling better, your relationship will feel better too.
“Exercise is a great release, or simply moving,” suggested Dr. Klapow.
“Take a walk, be alone.
Don’t drive as you are likely not in a great frame of mind.
Give yourself the gift of space.
Tamara Hill agreed with the need for taking time for yourself.
You also may just need some alone time.
Are you having the same fights?
Is there a bigger issue at play here?
Maybe seeing a professional could be helpful.
Couldn’t hurt, right?
Think about what you could learn about yourself and your relationship from that fight.
“You recover by making use of the information that the fight gives you,” said Dr. Luiz.
“If soul murder happened, then you analyze that.
If there were some thoughts that could be heard, but not others, you analyze that.”
“Fighting is basically two people, each orbiting in their own consciousness and unable to cross the divide.
“Choose between being right and being happy.
“Decide to let the other person be right for the sake of peace and happiness.
‘You’re right’ is a big relief for the other person to hear.
Take a deep breath and move on.
And get back to the fun parts of being in a relationship!
