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John and Julie have been studying and treating couples for almost five decades.
“And we call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
Here’s what’s wrong with you.'
And they list all these characteristics that they want their partner to change."
Critiquing and complaining is not the same as criticizing.
Criticism is the most common of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
At its core, this relationship killer is all about expressing disgust.
One partner feels superior and wants to make the other feel inferior.
Clearly, contempt is harmful to one’s health in every way physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
At its heart, defensiveness is all about shifting blame or responsibility onto one’s partner.
It can look like counterattacking, lashing out, whining, refuting, or rebutting.
Then he offered a healthier alternative: “You’re kicking around the problem together.
It’s like you’re playing soccer and kicking a ball around together.
You’re a team, working on this joint problem.
Defensiveness gets in the way of that.”
Here’s what’s wrong with you."
Can divorce be prevented if all four behaviors are evident?
“Many of us have less-than-ideal intimate relationships,” Julie Gottman wrote inThe Washington Post.
“We may relate more to ‘Marriage Story’ than ‘Sleepless in Seattle.'”
They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage."
And, he wrote, couples can learn emotional intelligence.
